Boying Up
ALSO BY MAYIM BIALIK
Girling Up: How to Be Strong, Smart and Spectacular
PHILOMEL BOOKS
an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC
375 Hudson Street
New York, NY 10014
Text copyright © 2018 by Mayim Bialik. Illustrations copyright © 2018 by Kenton Hoppas.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.
Ebook ISBN 9780525515982
Edited by Jill Santopolo.
Version_1
For my beloved sons,
MILES ROOSEVELT AND FREDERICK HESCHEL:
You are the inspiration for and the higher significance of all of the fruits of my labor. Thank you for teaching me about Boying Up and motivating me to be better at being your mama every day. I love you more than sushi.
CONTENTS
ALSO BY MAYIM BIALIK
TITLE PAGE
COPYRIGHT
DEDICATION
INTRODUCTION
CHAPTER ONE: HOW BOY BODIES WORK
CHAPTER TWO: HOW BOY BODIES GROW
CHAPTER THREE: HOW BOYS LEARN
CHAPTER FOUR: HOW BOYS LOVE
CHAPTER FIVE: HOW BOYS COPE
CHAPTER SIX: HOW BOYS MATTER
AFTERTHOUGHTS
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
• INTRODUCTION •
In case you don’t know already, I’m not a boy. Never was, never will be. I’m a woman who was once a girl. And then I “Girled Up”—I went from a girl to a young woman to a grown-up woman who is a neuroscientist and a mom.
I became a neuroscientist because I love everything about the brain and nervous system. My specific field of study for my PhD was a field called psychoneuroendocrinology. That’s a fancy word for studying the behavior that comes from understanding how the chemicals of the brain make girls girls and make boys boys. I also studied a lot about the behavior of men and women and how the chemicals in our bodies change the way we interact with the people we encounter in our lives. For 7 years of graduate school, that’s what I lived and breathed.
All of that learning happened while I made the huge decision to become a mom, and I had my first son in graduate school. Miles is now 12, and his brother, Frederick, who is 9, was born right after I completed my doctoral studies. Yup, they call me Dr. Mom when I get too technical about anything from a scraped knee to a hurt feeling to answering “But Mom, why do I have to shower? I showered three days ago!” My sons’ voices, experiences and desires are constantly with me as a mom and a doctor of neuroscience; my goal is to best convey what we have learned together to all of you reading this book.
I was an at-home mom with my sons for the first years of their lives, and I returned to my childhood career of acting when my younger son was about 2 years old. Since then, I have played Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler on The Big Bang Theory. I love my job, and I also love being a mom to my boys. I especially love being a mom who is a scientist.
When I wrote my book Girling Up, I specifically talked about my journey from “girl who didn’t always fit in” to “woman who doesn’t always fit in,” and a lot of me not fitting in is because I have always tended to gravitate toward things I was told were “for guys.” You see, I’m a rough-and-tumble kind of mom, and that suits me and my sons just fine. I’m the kind of woman who is really into sports cars. I love any sport you can name; I’ll watch it on TV, I’ll play it, I’ll talk about it—I am a sports person through and through. I am the first to suggest a wrestling match at the park. I prefer the natural history museum and building with LEGO to shopping or manicures. I love any superhero or action movie. I’m what they used to call a “tomboy,” but now I just call it being me!
After writing Girling Up, it seemed natural to me to follow it up with the book you are holding in your hands. Boying Up is about the journey boys take from being boys finding their way in the world to becoming young men who can be confident, productive and loving fathers, teachers, doctors, friends, co-workers and world changers. I have included the voices of real grown-up boys—men from a variety of backgrounds, professions and lifestyles—who contribute throughout the book with “That’s What He Said . . .” boxes in every chapter. I want this book to be authentic and approachable; fun and informative; diverse and meaningful.
We will cover all of the important stuff about being a boy, such as, how does the male body develop and function? What does it mean to understand how a male body grows nutritionally, physically, emotionally and even spiritually? What things do boys and young men in the 21st century need to contribute to a culture that so often misunderstands them? And perhaps most importantly, with all of the conflicting information about how boys should behave—don’t be too rough, don’t be too gentle—how can we together understand the biology and psychology of the process of Boying Up in a way that adds to all of our acceptance for all of the different kinds of boys that there are?
Boying Up is written for boys, young men, men who were once boys and anyone who wants to better know about the magnificent mystery that is all things boy.
Let’s learn all there is to know about Boying Up together! Ready? Set? Let’s go!
ONE
• HOW BOY BODIES WORK •
Welcome to Boying Up! You might be thinking: why is a woman writing this book? Well, I spent 12 years total in college and graduate school studying the brain and body, and I specialized in learning all about the chemicals in our brains and bodies that determine many important things: everything from if you develop a penis or not to what hormones make you grow hair on your body to more complicated things like what kind of emotional reactions you have and what you like to do or to wear or to watch on TV.
There is an awesome body of research about what makes all kinds of boys and men. Are you the kind of guy who likes musicals? Or would you rather poke your own eye out with a toothpick than sit through Hamilton? Are you someone who is interested in girls and spends time checking out which girl from your school liked your picture on Instagram, or are you someone who’s interested more in other boys? Or maybe you are more interested in Nerf gun fights and video games and would rather not deal with thinking about dating at all. Do you fear physical challenges like obstacle courses, potential fights in the schoolyard and any sport involving a ball? There are so many different kinds of boys and that’s what makes being human so cool: everyone is different and special.
Becoming brave, bold and brilliant is a process that begins when you’re a boy and continues to get refined for the rest of your life. There are many opportunities for boys in this culture, but also many challenges, and the best way to start understanding how to navigate them is from the bottom up. Let’s talk biology.
From Boy to Boying Up
Have you noticed that some girls in your class are all of a sudden a lot taller than they used to be? And that many girls in your class are taller than most of the boys? Maybe you haven’t noticed, but trust me: you will soon. This is because of an incredible process called puberty, which is the biological explanation for how you go from being a boy to a young man to a grown-up man. So why are girls taller than a lot of boys in middle school? Well, girls tend to start puberty earlier than boys (age
10 versus 12), and one of the earliest indicators that puberty is starting is a change in height. Boys tend to catch up pretty quickly, and by the age of 16, most boys are taller than most girls (though of course, this isn’t true for every single girl and every single boy).
So what exactly goes on in puberty? Well, somewhere between the ages of 12 to 16 (though for some boys it might happen a little earlier or a little later), your body and brain start to change; this is a physical and chemical process, and it’s a significant part of what I am calling Boying Up. Boys start to have more mature facial features and more muscular bodies, and voices deepen. The penis and testicles mature as the body prepares for the process of becoming a young man. Genitals and underarms grow hair, and these places often develop a strong scent. You will start to sprout fine hair above your upper lip, and eventually it will become thicker and it will need to be shaved unless you want a mustache. Acne or pimples may start to show up as part of puberty, and emotions may start to feel a lot bigger than they ever did before.
For some boys, these changes happen fast, but for others, they can take a lot longer. There is no “right” time to start seeing these changes; it’s kind of a waiting game. I remember there were some boys in my junior high who had voices that were higher than mine even in 9th grade, but they eventually caught up.
So how does puberty actually happen?
XY
How? Well, the answer is actually Y—no, not “why” like the question; Y as in chromosomes. You see, inside every cell in our whole body, we have DNA. DNA is a bunch of molecules that are packed really tightly together and contain all of the information that our body needs to exist. Everyone’s DNA is a combination of the mom’s DNA and the dad’s DNA, and it has information coded in things called genes. DNA contains tens of thousands of genes, which determine physical things about us such as eye color, height and whether or not we can curl the top joint of our thumbs back when making a thumbs-up. (Can you? I can!) Our DNA also has genes that determine more complicated things, such as if we’re the kind of person who likes to cuddle with puppy dogs or if we tend to be confident or shy.
So inside each and every cell, there’s a tightly packed ball of all of the information that determines pretty much everything about you. When a mom’s egg cell met a dad’s sperm cell and a baby started growing, the mom and dad DNA combined—half of hers and half of his—and it was at that very second right when the egg and sperm met that it was determined whether each of us would be a boy or a girl. The fact that you’re male is coded into your DNA.
So what’s the Y business? Well, the parts of our DNA that determine if we become a boy or a girl kind of look like an X and a Y if you look at the DNA under a microscope. Here’s a picture of X and Y chromosomes, which is the fancy word for the structure of DNA when it gets all smushed up so that it can fit inside of every cell.
How this all breaks down is the mom’s egg cell contributes an X when her egg meets the dad’s sperm. A dad’s sperm cell can pass on either an X or a Y; it’s basically like flipping a coin, a 50 percent chance either way. So every time a mom cell and a dad cell meet, the mom gives an X to the new baby and the dad gives either an X or a Y.
If the dad gives an X chromosome, the baby ends up with two X chromosomes and develops into a female. If the dad gives a Y chromosome, the baby ends up with one X chromosome (from the mom) and one Y chromosome and develops into a male due to a critical gene called SRY, which stands for “sex-determining region Y”—not a very exciting name, I know. And not to make things weird, but the “default” of your anatomy is to develop into a girl . . . so once the Y chromosome gets added to the mix, and once SRY sends out the special “You’re a boy!” message, it starts making a protein called TDF, or testis-determining factor. This means that the female body parts, which had been the “default,” are told to change gears and start turning into male body parts. It’s really an amazing process.
So what do Xs and Ys have to do with how we actually start puberty? Well, the X and Y chromosomes contain chemical messages on the surface of their structure that get activated at certain points in life. And the Y chromosome has the ability to start sending signals to your brain through messengers in the form of proteins and chemicals. Our brain gets told, “Yo! We’re starting puberty here!” and the pituitary gland and related structures in the brain begin to release very special chemicals throughout our bodies. These chemicals are called hormones. Hormones are actually what make us start puberty and they are responsible for all of the changes that happen throughout the process of Boying Up and beyond.
Puberty
Puberty changes some parts of your body that you can see and some parts you can’t. In fact, scientists are still trying to fully understand how hormones affect our bodies and our brains.
Most people have questions about puberty. I know I did. Here are some questions about puberty you may have.
When will my body hair start to grow?
What’s up with shaving a mustache? How does that work?
I’m used to my body; what will it be like for my penis and testicles to change?
Should I know about what happens to girls’ bodies during puberty?
I know boys can’t get pregnant, but what should I know about the process?
Why do I feel kind of funny when I see someone I have a crush on?
Let’s get started by learning what happens similarly during puberty for boys and for girls. Both boys and girls will start to get hair under their arms, although boys tend to end up with more underarm hair than girls in general. Boys start growing hair around the penis, and girls start growing it around the vagina. Boys and girls both have a growth spurt at puberty, but, like I said before, boys’ growth spurts tend to happen later, which means girls are generally taller than you for a few awkward years at middle school dances!
One change that happens to boys, which doesn’t happen for girls, is that boys’ voices start to get deeper and the “voice box,” which is known as an “Adam’s apple,” gets more prominent. Other physical changes for boys include muscle mass increases, which leads to a broadening of the shoulders and an increase in muscle as opposed to fat in the chest and stomach. Jawlines and necks become bulkier and more, well, manly. This is due to a special hormone called testosterone, which boys have a lot more of than girls do.
Testosterone
Testosterone is a powerful messenger produced in your testicles by specialized cells called Leydig cells. Leydig cells send out messages to the hypothalamus and pituitary gland in the middle of your brain to communicate information about hormone levels, and this system is highly regulated and very complicated and seriously stupendous.
Leydig cells get supercharged during puberty to send out more testosterone, which travels throughout your brain and body to start the process of turning you from a boy into a man. Testosterone is secreted all of the time at higher levels once you start puberty, and it is responsible for what is called your sex drive, among other things. Testosterone levels go up and down throughout your adult life depending on environmental factors such as dating patterns and psychological stress. At around 40, testosterone levels start to drop, taking with them hair follicles on your head that are very sensitive to testosterone. These hair follicles happen to be distributed in the shape of an “M” if you look from above—this is why many men start to lose their hair in a characteristic M shape! It’s actually known as male pattern baldness.
Men produce about 20 times as much testosterone as women do, and testosterone helps increase muscle mass and strength, which is why men tend to be stronger and more muscle-y than women. Testosterone protects men’s bones and keeps them strong, and it is also responsible for many of the features boys will start to develop in puberty: a square, “strong” jawline, a more prominent brow ridge and a broader nose.
Testosterone also makes the larynx grow bigger, which is responsible for the
deepness of your voice. Men’s vocal cords tend to be longer than women’s naturally, leading to a generally deeper voice for men than women after puberty is done. However, the process of your voice changing can take a few years to complete. During that time, you may experience some very awkward—and possibly amusing—cracks of your voice at important times in your life. Every Bar Mitzvah celebration I went to when I was 13 featured a 13-year-old boy croaking his way through a three-page speech. I promise, by the time you are in high school, most of this awkwardness should be over!
THAT’S WHAT HE SAID . . .
“I basically refused to talk until I could craft my version of what a deep voice should be. I had a best friend with an early ‘deep voice,’ and I would mimic it as best as I could to avoid the inevitable cracking. Honestly, a voice crack midsentence is like having the curtain pulled down while you’re soaping up in the shower!”
Genetic Variations in Testosterone and Identity
Girls and women have testosterone too, but in smaller amounts. In women, testosterone is typically converted by a chemical process into estrogen, which is what causes the changes of puberty for girls. However, there are some genetic cases where a woman will be born with SRY present, and this leads to a lot of changes that we typically only see in men. Women with SRY may have deeper voices, broader shoulders, stronger jawlines and more aggressive athletic ability and sexual drive. Sometimes men are born with less testosterone than is typical, and this also affects their brain and body. Some people born with these genetic conditions undergo hormonal therapy and sometimes surgery to feel more comfortable in their bodies.