Boying Up Read online

  Body Issues

  Sometimes the things you experience as you transition from a boy to a young man can be intimidating or overwhelming. The changes of puberty combined with the new ways your body grows can make you feel like you don’t understand your body anymore. You spend so many years having the body you call yours, and then—BOOM!—it changes, and it has different requirements, and clothes don’t fit the same, and it can be kind of freaky, especially if puberty starts earlier for you than the other guys and if it happens faster than you expected. My older brother literally grew 6 inches in the summer before 11th grade and had to buy all new clothes and shoes in a very short period of time!

  There are so many shapes and sizes of bodies, but we tend to see one kind of male body in the media: super muscle-y and thin. And pretty much all of those pictures are Photoshopped to make the men in them look more muscle-y and skinny. Seeing those images on TV and in movies and ads in magazines and on billboards can kind of mess with your head. Sure, there are some guys who are naturally free of fat and tend to be really muscular, but a lot of men’s bodies need a fair amount of weight lifting and cardio exercise to achieve muscles and look as toned as the dudes in all of those cologne and underwear ads.

  When boys and men compare themselves to the Photoshopped exaggerated images they see of men in the media, it can make some of them feel like there’s something wrong if they don’t look like that. Pretty much everyone wants to fit in. We don’t want to feel left out, and when we do feel left out, we feel bad. The smartest thing we can do to make those bad feelings less bad is to do things that make us feel good just the way we are. Surrounding ourselves with positive images of men we respect and embracing people we can look up to who support us loving ourselves is important; so is finding supportive people to talk to about feelings if we want to open up that way.

  However, what a lot of people do—boys and girls both—is to try to find ways to make themselves look like those people we see images of. Many young people start dieting at a very young age, and many feel shame about their bodies at a time when the body should be celebrated and enjoyed for being able to make them run and play and learn and grow. This happens to boys and young men even though people often think it typically just happens just for girls and women.

  It’s healthy to want to make improvements to your appearance and your body, and if you are struggling with health problems or have spoken to a doctor about needing to make changes in your body, becoming aware of what size food portions are appropriate is a great start. Although all bodies are beautiful, being overweight can prevent you from doing sports, feeling confident, or living a life free of medical problems. Obesity can lead to conditions such as diabetes, high blood pressure and cholesterol and a host of other problems. Learning about how exercise can help burn calories and learning to practice mindfulness are also great things to do. It’s important to know, however, that dieting can be very unhealthy, and it can also create a mental state of not being happy with how you look, which can grow into a bigger problem.

  Note: remember that if you are not struggling with weight or other health issues, it is totally normal to eat a LOT of food in the years when you’re transforming from a boy to a man! Your body is growing and changing and needs fuel to help it do that. Plus, it takes more calories on average to fuel a 6-foot-tall body than it does a 5-foot-tall body.

  Although we usually think of girls as having a skewed perception of what they look like and having eating disorders, boys feel that way too, and it’s nothing to be ashamed about. Here are a few descriptions of eating disorders boys sometimes experience. If one of these descriptions sounds like something you do, you should talk to a grown-up that you trust and see if they can get you help. You want to stay healthy as you Boy Up, and having an eating disorder prevents that.

  Anorexia nervosa is thinking you have to lose weight and always feeling you are fat even when you are at a healthy weight. Anorexia nervosa is not just a way to diet; it starts with changes in your brain that get more problematic the more you restrict your eating, as the parts of your brain responsible for making decisions get confused. When people have anorexia nervosa, they often skip meals, eat very small portions or eat only very low-calorie foods. They get sick a lot, lose hair and feel cold much of the time. Sometimes people with anorexia take laxatives or diet pills so that they lose more and more weight, which can lead to intestinal problems and electrolyte imbalances, organ failure and damage to the heart.

  Bulimia nervosa is an eating disorder that involves making yourself throw your food up, and people with this disorder tend to be overweight or of normal weight. Sometimes in addition to throwing up food, bulimics will deprive themselves of food for days or weeks on end but then binge, eating large amounts of food at one sitting, even when not hungry, and hiding what they’re eating while also experiencing a lot of guilt. (Not throwing up food but binging and then feeling very guilty after is a separate disorder called binge-eating disorder.) Bulimia can also cause stomach acid to burn sores into your throat and mouth and eat away at your teeth.

  Exercise bulimia involves eating enormous amounts of food at one time and then exercising for hours upon hours in order to lose the calories from the food eaten. This can cause weak bones and make you prone to injuries.

  If you’re looking for resources to help handle eating disorders, either for yourself or for someone you know, here are a few places to start:

  Go to the NEDA website, NationalEatingDisorders.org, and click on Help & Support.

  Visit the website for the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders at anad.org and click on the Get Help menu.

  Check out Eating Disorder Hope’s website, EatingDisorderHope.com, and click into the Eating Disorder Treatment Centers section for resources listed by state.

  Wrapping Up

  The years surrounding puberty will see your body change from that of a boy to a man very quickly, and the demand on your body is great. Knowing what to eat and how to exercise so as to optimize your body’s ability to grow strong and healthy is a huge part of Boying Up. Food should be enjoyable and should provide sustenance; exercise should lift your mood and provide you with a healthy outlet for aggression.

  The choices you make about how you eat, including being mindful, can improve not only your health but, more importantly, your understanding of your relationship to your body. Changes to your diet and lifestyle don’t have to happen overnight; the first step toward a healthy body and mind starts with awareness about what you do, an understanding that making changes takes time and a willingness to be open to making healthier choices while forgiving yourself if you don’t do it perfectly all the time. Take care of your body as if it is a sacred special place. Because your body is your vessel for all of the learning, exploring, fun and adventure your life as a boy and a man will bring you. Keep it strong and healthy.

  THREE

  • HOW BOYS LEARN •

  One of the cool things about Boying Up is that you learn all of the time. You’re probably thinking, What? It doesn’t feel like I’m learning all of the time, and if I was aware of learning all of the time, I definitely wouldn’t think it was cool! Well, guess what? The brain is made for learning even when we don’t think we’re learning. Whenever we experience anything consciously or unconsciously, it gets stored in our brain even if we don’t actively register it.

  So how does information actually get stored in the brain? There is a seahorse-shaped region of the brain responsible for memory and learning called the hippocampus (hippos is Greek for “horse,” and kampus is Greek for “sea monster”!). The hippocampus is made up of several layers of specialized cells, which are all bundled up like a strudel, making communication between all of the layers very fast and very efficient. When we experience something, the cells fire in specific ways to make an imprint in this region of the brain. If we need that information later on, the cells can refire and he
lp us recall it.

  Not all experiences and memories are treated equally by the brain. Memories that have emotional content—such as the fact that I can remember everything my first-ever boyfriend, Josh Netburn, said to me and even what I was wearing the day we stood in the Hebrew-school hallway outside of our 4th-grade class and he broke up with me—are stronger and easier to recall in detail. Memories associated with music or with a particular smell are also typically easier to recall, since they are made with extra information surrounding them, which adds to the strength of the memory as it is being stored, as well as increases the chance that it will be easier to recall later on.

  Before we learn more about how you learn, though, let’s take a step back and look at the overall basics that boys need to initiate the process of Boying Up. Being a boy is a journey you are taking part in, and this journey is well described as a journey of yourself as a hero; it’s a “hero’s journey,” which is the expression used by many psychologists to describe this process. One such psychologist named Joseph Campbell published a book called The Hero with a Thousand Faces in 1949. This book became—and still is—a classic in understanding the way we organize our journey in life. In particular, the language Campbell uses applies really well to men in our culture, no matter if you’re the kind of guy who likes ballroom dancing or one who likes to play video games where you can take aim at ballroom dancers (don’t harm any innocent dancers in any video game, please!).

  The main points of Campbell’s exploration of the hero’s journey are that a hero goes out into the world with a sense of wonder and greatness (known as departure). He encounters challenges that transform him (initiation), and he returns from his adventure with a sense of empowerment and is now able to empower others (return). Campbell believed that this is the path of every man, and it can be a really powerful way to understand your journey as a boy becoming a man. You will encounter a world of wonder and you will meet many challenges, but your ability to conquer those challenges and return better and stronger is what makes you you.

  Everything you experience in your life is part of your learning process. The way you are cared for as an infant, the way your parents and family interact with you, the way your friends treat you and the way you treat them, the people you love and those you hate, the choices you make about what to try and what classes to skip—all of this is part of the learning your brain is doing as you become a man.

  Does this mean that every time you skip class you’re doomed forever? Or that every time you make what you later see as a not-so-smart decision you are never going to amount to anything? Of course not! What this all means is that it is a great idea to see yourself as part of a journey as a boy who is learning his way through boyhood and into manhood armed with all of the courage and wonder you can muster. The challenges to Boy Up in a society that is so confused about the roles of men and women is not easy, but I hope we can learn together so it doesn’t seem like a burden. Rather, it should be seen as the journey of your lifetime—because it is!

  This chapter is all about the ways we learn, with a special emphasis on what kinds of things boys and young men need to know to grow into grown men who are competent, respectful and awesome. We aren’t just going to talk about the learning we do in school—we will talk about that, but it’s not all that learning entails. Learning is also about the things programmed into your DNA that set you on a course for adventure, excitement and growth and that serve as the foundation for the man you will become.

  Learning Your Basics: School

  Some of us love school, while others would rather be anywhere but in a classroom! Some of us don’t mind being in school because we get to hang out with our friends there, but the classes and homework part of it feels not as much fun as the hanging out with friends part. I get that.

  Why do we go to school? Most people think we go there because we have to, and I guess we sort of do. But we actually go to school to learn the things we need to know so that we can leave high school with a certain set of skills. School is preparing you for life. No matter what kind of job you decide to have in your life, you will need to have basic training in how to read, how to understand and interpret what you read and how to communicate, both in speech and in writing. A basic understanding of math is super important so that when you are a grown-up, you can manage your finances and go about life understanding how to handle and make decisions about money. That’s the kind of stuff we learn in school.

  Learning stuff in school may not always come easy, but the possibility exists for you to challenge yourself and work toward anything you want to be. Finding the way you learn best is a key to opening that door to the future. If you are struggling with learning, consider talking to a teacher you like, even if they don’t teach the subject you’re struggling in. Or speak to your school guidance counselor or advisor. See if they can help you figure out what ways you might best learn the things you are having a hard time with.

  Here are some of the tips for learning success I have gathered over my years in school.

  Don’t skip class. It may seem like it totally doesn’t need to be said, but I’m going to say it anyway: do NOT skip classes. I know you may not be able to say you’ll NEVER skip class, but here’s the thing: the best way to learn is to be where the learning is happening. Once we start a habit of cutting class or not valuing putting our butts in seats in a classroom, we start a pattern of falling behind and needing to play catch-up, which makes learning hard. Consistency is key for the brain to make the most of a learning environment. Treat school as if you’re getting paid to be there, as if it’s your job. And if you think about it, someday, the job you have that pays your bills and buys you a house and the car you already know you want will come from the time you put in right now going to class and being in school. So get to class like your life depends on it—it kind of does!

  Keep an assignment notebook. Staying organized and on top of assignments makes it easier to learn. Get a small notebook and decorate it with drawings or leave it plain; whatever you like. Every day you’re in school and an assignment is handed out, make a list and write down when it’s due. Even if the teacher hands it out on a printout or directs you to an online syllabus, put it in your own handwriting anyway. Writing things down makes your brain think about them and remember them in a new way. Nerdy fact about me: all through middle school and high school, I would color coordinate my assignment notebook with a different color pen for each subject. That may not be your thing, but whatever you can do to make your assignment notebook and schedule of what’s due when clear and organized will help you a ton in getting it all done!

  Don’t procrastinate. Although there may sometimes be reasons you can’t do your homework right away and some brains need a break before tackling homework after a long day at school, you learn best if you can practice the things your teachers talk about pretty soon after they talk about them. Doing homework close to when the subject matter was introduced in class means your brain will take the information most available and commit it to memory most reliably. If your brain works well when you take a break after school by running around, or if you have a lot of after school activities, make a set time each night that you buckle down on homework, and stick to it! Enlist the help of your mom or dad to make sure you keep to it.

  Learn to say no to distraction. There will be a lot of distractions that will try to get between you and school and homework, and every distraction takes away from the brain’s power to master something. Our brains need a clear and simple message when they’re trying to learn. Text messages asking you to hang out rather than do homework, or even just the pinging notifications on your phone saying that you have messages waiting to be read, get in the way of your hippocampus doing its job. Say no to distraction by turning off your phone and the TV during study time, and you’ll get more done and get it done best for success later.

  Repeat it again and again. And again. One of the mos
t important factors in learning and memory is repetition. The more times we think about something or study something, the more reliably it will be stored in long-term memory. Flash cards can be used to learn just about any subject, and they can be reviewed anytime, anywhere. Making lists of things to memorize is also a great way to engage the motor system (writing) in the memory process. This makes for stronger memory formation and better learning and recall when it’s time for a test.

  Get creative. Don’t just read to learn, engage other parts of your brain and body in the process! Writing (and rewriting) important words and facts engages your brain in ways that increase stimulation for the hippocampus and encourages it to remember all of those important details your teacher will quiz you on. Another hippocampus-stimulating trick to optimize learning is to make facts you need to memorize into songs. Introducing a musical component to learning hits the hippocampus extra hard and makes for strong memories of things like the order of the planets, which I only remember because my 8th grade science teacher sang the order to a really catchy song with an easy-to-remember melody. Be creative, and your hippocampus will reward you!

  THAT’S WHAT HE SAID . . .

  “The brain is a fluid structure. It’s not static. The things you repeat when you study contribute to neural circuitry maintenance and our brains’ ‘hard-wiring.’ Because the brain is so fluid, we need repetition of not only schoolwork and studying, but also of our values and desired behaviors.”