Boying Up Read online

  Learning Your Instincts: Moving, Processing, Winning

  There are a lot of stereotypes about boys and girls, which we discussed in the first chapter. “Girls are more emotional than boys” is not always true. Neither is “Boys hate talking about feelings” or “Boys are athletic and girls aren’t.” But here’s the thing: these stereotypes happen to be true a lot of the time. All over the world, overwhelmingly so, boys tend to be less emotional and less verbal than girls, and boys also tend to be more physical than girls. Does this mean that there is anything wrong with a boy who is emotional and verbal and hates sports? No. Does this mean that athletic girls who don’t like to talk about their feelings are weird? Nope. Does it mean that you can judge someone’s love life or decide who they should want to date or marry based on whether or not they are emotional, verbal or athletic? Absolutely not!

  But the purpose of understanding the process of Boying Up means understanding that there are certain aspects of boys that are generally found to be true because they are coded in the male DNA. Remember that Y chromosome you got from your dad that made you turn into a boy? Well, that Y chromosome has a ton of important protein communication signals literally on it, and they not only transform your genitalia into boy parts as opposed to girl parts; they impact the hormones and the behaviors you have in your life as a boy and a man.

  So what does this mean practically? Well, you are programmed to learn by moving, exploring and being physical, particularly when there is a “winning” aspect to physicality. The stereotype of “boy” in our culture is of a kid who climbs trees, makes weapons out of twigs, builds forts and pretends to defend his fort from imaginary villains. While these are not the only things boys like to do, it is generally true that boys like these kinds of things. And even for boys raised without TV or movies that might “teach them” to do these things, it tends to be true that boys all over the world like to climb and run and explore and participate in defensive-type play.

  My Boys

  My sons were raised without the influence of television and movies for many years of their childhood, which was a choice their dad and I made partly so we could let them develop their sense of being boys independent of what the media expected them to be. Much as they liked carrying around dolls and playing in their toy kitchen, they eventually naturally gravitated toward a lot of typical “boy” behaviors, and they ended up making improvised weapons from LEGO and twigs and anything they could find!

  INSTINCT #1: MOVING

  In hunter-gatherer societies, women raised babies in groups with other women and needed to communicate well with these other women. This made evolution select for women who were good communicators. But men were typically out for much of the day hunting and protecting territory. Boys today carry all of those genes with them for hunting and protecting even if they live in the suburbs or in a city. These genes translate in modern times into a strong desire to move and to learn by moving about and exploring.

  One of the best ways our culture allows for boys to move their bodies in productive ways that help them cultivate strength, endurance, teamwork and aggression is through sports. When boys participate in sports, they learn not only how to throw or catch or run or jump, but also about setting goals and meeting expectations. They have to cope with losing and also with winning; through sports, boys can start to be sensitive and compassionate because of the interactions athletes are constantly having with others. They also master how to work well with others, taking into account their strengths, weaknesses and needs, which is one of the most important skills to have—you’ll need it for the rest of your life!

  It’s healthy for boys to learn through their bodies, so embrace your need for movement and exploration and physical play! While my two boys tend to be very cautious when it comes to scaling fences and climbing poles and such, I love that they love to wrestle and participate in sports, and I join in when they let me. However, if you feel you need to move your body at times when others are still and you find it very hard or seemingly impossible to keep from fidgeting or moving around, it can cause problems in school, and it may be something you need help with. Some bodies are simply wired for movement, and young boys are not really made to sit in a classroom for 8 hours a day without wanting to move around! While for some boys, sitting for this long is not a problem, for many boys—and girls, too—this can feel really restrictive.

  In recent years, we have seen a huge increase in diagnoses of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). ADHD is a disorder where individuals have trouble paying attention and sitting still, and they find it more difficult to control behaviors that other kids can control more easily.

  What accounts for this tremendous increase in ADHD diagnoses? Some of the increase may simply be more awareness, since for a long time, we didn’t know what to call it when this behavior presented itself; now that we know what the symptoms are, more people will get the diagnosis. That doesn’t account for all of the increase, though. There have been numerous studies trying to isolate a genetic basis for ADHD, but some researchers have suggested that the increase in computer use, fast-paced video games and television, and even an increase in the pacing of modern life may be leading to brains wired for not sitting still or taking time to process information. We may not yet know exactly what is leading to this increase in diagnoses, but one startling statistic is that 3.2 percent of kindergarten teachers and only 19.3 percent of elementary school teachers are male. It has been suggested that female teachers may be more likely to perceive “normal” boy behaviors as problematic without more of a male presence in classrooms to balance out the diagnoses. While it may not be true that all female teachers do this, it is possible that in classrooms without enough men, the understanding that boys are active and physical as part of their learning may not be getting the attention it needs. And with more and more emphasis on more classroom time and less outside time, many kids may feel stressed out or anxious, which can lead to being fidgety; but this is not the same thing as ADHD. For more information about ADHD diagnosis and treatment, visit www.add.org or go to www.nimh.nih.gov and, under the Health & Education tab, go to Consumer Health Publications, and click on the Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder link under the Browse by Disorder heading. You can find a couple of helpful articles there.

  Treating ADHD

  Diagnoses of ADHD are usually made by specialists. With the increase in diagnoses and the lack of resources in many communities, it’s becoming more common for pediatricians and counselors to label someone as having ADHD. Medications are usually prescribed when behaviors cannot be controlled by behavior modifications such as redirecting behavior, working on stress modulation and using methods of reinforcing behaviors that are desired and not reinforcing those that are not. People with ADHD may not have enough of a naturally occurring chemical in the brain called dopamine, so ADHD drugs aim to increase the amount of dopamine circulating. These drugs tend to be stimulants, which can disrupt sleep and lead to a decrease in appetite as well as increase your heart rate, and they can take several weeks to work effectively. Some nonstimulants can be used if stimulants produce adverse effects, and antidepressants, which increase dopamine and norepinephrine, are also found to be useful for some individuals with ADHD. Adverse reactions from such medications can be hard on growing bodies, so never take a medication without talking to your parent or a trusted adult first. And know that medication is not forever. Plenty of adults have ADHD diagnoses and function very well without medication after learning some basic organizational and lifestyle techniques that minimize distraction and increase focus time, productivity and a feeling of satisfaction.

  INSTINCT #2: PROCESSING

  Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus is the title of a book written by a popular psychologist named John Gray in 1992, when most of your parents were in junior high or high school. This book breaks down the differences between men and women very simply, and one of Dr. Gray’s main points is that when men
are upset, they often need to not talk about it. This is the exact opposite of what a lot of women need to do when they are stressed out or upset, and this can cause a lot of tension in male-female relationships.

  It’s important to know that you don’t have to talk about your feelings if you don’t want to. Sometimes the best way for men or boys to feel better is to retreat and to think about things other than the upsetting thing. This way of processing things is the male brain’s way to protect from emotions that—generally speaking—men are not as naturally skilled at talking about. While some men do enjoy talking things out, it’s totally normal to not want to engage when you are upset.

  There is a difference between putting reactions on hold and pushing them down entirely. Distracting yourself with watching TV or playing video games, for example, can be very helpful, but know that, eventually, emotions do need to be dealt with, especially in a culture that encourages men to be sensitive and communicative.

  Here’s a helpful tip for those of you guys who may not feel like talking when people want you to: if you know you don’t want to talk, say so nicely. Words can be hard to find, especially when we are upset—that’s true for boys and for girls—but even saying, “I need some time to think,” can be much more helpful than running away and slamming a door in someone’s face. Even a little communication goes a long way. If after some time of being alone or not talking about something, you find yourself feeling genuinely better, know that others may still want to talk about it, and part of being a human is listening even if you don’t feel like talking! You can also say, “I am feeling better, and I am happy to talk now.” Or if you feel up to listening but not talking, you can say that, too. Like this: “I still don’t feel like talking, but I can listen if you want to talk.”

  THAT’S WHAT HE SAID . . .

  “Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves and seem to have instant access to them. For me, emotions are not always readily available. I may be hurt deep down and not really even know it. I need to be alone to process emotions because it gives me the time, the space and the sense of safety I need to come to terms with big feelings.”

  INSTINCT #3: WINNING

  For most of human history, boys and men were out hunting and protecting territory, and this set of instincts is natural and still a part of your DNA even though we don’t live in communities where boys and men need to hunt and protect like they did tens of thousands of years ago. What this means is that boys and men tend to gravitate toward activities and spending time doing things that re-create those primal DNA-programmed instincts to hunt and protect. One of the most direct ways this is satisfied is by participating in activities that involve winning.

  A great example of how to satisfy this drive to win is through sports. We talked about the importance of sports for your physical and emotional development in Chapter Two, but it is also a very important thing for boys to be exposed to because of the winning feeling you get in touch with; even the desire to win gets you in touch with this very important part of yourself. Other positive examples of getting that winning feeling can come from things like academic achievement or from nonathletic game play such as role playing games (like Dungeons & Dragons) or video games.

  The feeling of winning in even small ways is very important for the development of boys because it establishes confidence and a notion of success, which turns them into young men who know their strengths and the feeling of accomplishment that comes with hard work and effort. These are important qualities for all people, but especially for boys who are Boying Up.

  Beware of the Obsession with Winning

  While winning is an important thing for boys to learn about, the desire to conquer and feel the thrill of success can become problematic if you find yourself wanting to collect conquests. If you feel unable to cope with the feeling of losing or you find your anger hard to manage when you don’t win or get your way, it’s a good idea to talk to a parent, school counselor or other trusted adult about it. Winning, while important, should not define you. Working hard and dealing with challenges that come up from not succeeding right away teach us a lot about ourselves, too. Tackling these kinds of feelings early on is the best way to not let them get out of control and control you.

  Learning Your Culture: Media

  When I was your age, I loved going to the movies, and I typically watched a few hours of television every weeknight after my homework was done. On the weekends, my brother and I would watch cartoons in the mornings while my parents got to sleep in, and once in a while, we rented a movie from the local video store to watch as a family (it was kind of like having Netflix in our neighborhood!).

  My parents were pretty strict about what movies and TV shows I could watch, and there were many times when I missed out on movies and shows that my friends were watching because my parents were concerned about language, violence and nudity. Kids gave me a hard time for not being able to go to certain movies with them, and it was embarrassing. Now that I am a mom and have kids of my own, I understand what a delicate juggling act it is to be a parent and how much of our time watching movies and television is teaching us things about our culture and the world. If you have strict parents like I did, I have no magic that can make your parents change their minds. What I can say is that even if it seems like a big deal when it happens, in a few years, it won’t matter at all. I hope you believe me!

  What many parents know, and what we often don’t get when we are not yet parents, is that all of the movies and TV shows we watch add to our learning because the things we see and experience when we watch movies and TV become a part of our brains and, in some way, make up who we are for the rest of our lives. I often tell my sons that there are certain things that exist in the world that are really intense and that, once you see them, you can’t unsee them. Have you ever seen a movie or a TV show that made you feel sad and emotional but you watched it with a friend who had absolutely no reaction to it? Have you ever seen something in a movie or on TV that was really upsetting and made your stomach hurt, but other people who saw it didn’t find it upsetting at all? How about this: have you ever seen something on the news that made a friend of yours feel yucky and grossed out, but you felt totally fine about it? That’s because everyone has different levels of sensitivity to different things.

  Why are we different this way? Well, part of it is just genetics. Some people are super resilient, and they don’t feel affected by emotional stuff much at all, while other people are more sensitive, and they feel very affected by emotional stuff. Neither of these are the right or wrong way to be. They are just different.

  When boys are in the process of Boying Up, there are certain things in the media that are particularly complicated for them to learn about, that can be harmful and that, in some cases, may impact the decisions their parents make about what they can and can’t watch. The categories of things that you should know about when it comes to the media you consume are—you may have guessed it—sex, drugs and rock ’n’ roll—and violence.

  Sex, Drugs and Rock ’n’ Roll

  Sex is a beautiful thing because it is the way human beings connect with other human beings. If you want to make a baby, sex is the way you do it—that’s amazing! If you want to experience the wonderful, profound sensations we can have as loving, connected human beings, being intimate with someone makes that happen. (We’ll talk more about this in Chapter Four!)

  So why am I going to get all “Mom” on you right now? Because everything you see on TV or in the movies or even in a magazine ad or billboard on the side of the freeway contributes to what you learn about women and sex. Everything. Even if it’s something you disagree with or hate, your brain saves it for later.

  I am not going to be delicate with words here because it’s important just to say it: any TV shows or movies you see that show women being poorly treated or abused become part of your learning about women and men and relationships. This does not mean that y
ou are going to behave like the poorly behaving men depicted on many shows, but what it does mean is that you are being introduced all of the time as boys to information about women and men that may not be healthy for you or for relationships in general.

  The hardest thing to wrap your brain around is that there are things that seem really harmless when you see them, but they can contribute to a larger lack of understanding about women, men and sex. I can’t even count how many movies I saw growing up that portrayed gay men as silly, weak and subjects for ridicule. Even movies made now tend to make a lot of jokes about gay men that become part of how we frame gay men in our minds. And the same is true of jokes about women and girls and sexual stuff; we learn all of that when it’s presented a certain way over and over. Parents often want to wait until your brain has developed a bit more before letting you see all of that, since early exposure to this kind of stuff can make your brain have expectations about what’s normal, even if it’s not normal or healthy.

  Many movies and TV shows depict a lifestyle that you may think looks cool, but that is not healthy for your developing learning brain. Depictions of men drinking, doing drugs, visiting strip clubs and being physically abusive and violent are things we see a lot of in the media. Such activities are often depicted as the “norm,” and for some men, they may be. But they’re not the norm for all men, and seeing this kind of lifestyle normalized starts to work its way into your brain as acceptable. The media is powerful, and especially when we are young and see actors and musicians and sports figures we look up to engaging in behaviors we know are not so healthy, we start to try and make sense of this.